hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
