I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
