Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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