checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
