your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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