weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
