How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
