Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
