also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
