So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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