I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
