The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
