how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
