I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
