You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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