he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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