Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
