my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
