I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
