Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
