i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
