You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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