Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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