He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
