He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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