That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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