A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
