i just wanna soil my oats bro
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
