He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
