he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
