I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
