Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
