Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
