remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
