I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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