You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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