The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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