I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
