I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
