my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
