Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
