My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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