Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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