Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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