Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
