easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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