So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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