So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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