Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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