she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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