Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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