No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
