I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
