Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
