#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
