Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
