I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
