I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
