I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
