i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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