Pants 0. Shit 1.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
