where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
