My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
