If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
