I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
