I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
